baby b

A few months ago we had a foster baby after a long baby-drought. For the first time, we brought home a little girl. Little E was over the moon, having lamented never having a baby girl to foster. We were told we would care for this tiny four-month old for about a week, allowing the seven days in which the birth mother has to change her mind to expire. We didn’t know the specifics of Read More

a week in the life of a stranger

The summer before my senior year of high school I spent a week in Dayton, OH, with my youth group. On this mission trip we helped repair homes for a couple families. At one of the homes I met a girl close to my age. Her name was Kim. Her dark, straight hair hung in her face against her brown skin. She wore faded sweatpants in the middle of summer. A rain barrel with rusty Read More

little e’s arrival

Little E joined us two years after Little J’s arrival and she continues to bring us so much joy. Parked outside a Verizon Wireless store, tears sear my cheeks, slip off my chin, stain my shirt. From the passenger side I watch through blurred vision as Big J exits the store, opens his car door, slides across the gray leather seat, and inserts the key in the ignition. “I just fell madly in love,” I Read More

little j’s arrival

It’s been a few years since Little J joined us, but his arrival is still fresh in my mind and we continue to rejoice over him. On a Thursday afternoon I stopped by the adoption agency to drop off our new insurance information after Big J’s job changed. I asked if any birth mothers had been looking at our profile, but Doris, our social worker, was out. I called back later that day, but she Read More

small world

Here’s another piece written several years ago offering a glimpse into our journey. I finally worked up the nerve to call a new doctor. I’d had the number written down, kept it by the phone, and yet it sat there for days as we pondered visiting another fertility specialist while at the same time pursuing adoption. I kept putting it off. Fear, I think. Fear of hope. Strange, maybe, but true. After improvements in my Read More

counting the years

Again, this was written several years ago, and offers a glimpse into our journey. Yesterday I spoke with a friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. When I was only a year into it I didn’t tell anybody. I kept it to myself, didn’t share. Big J wasn’t really ready. He was willing to try as long as he didn’t need to go to the doctor or Read More

waiting for the phone to ring

Though this was written many years ago, it’s still so easy to tap into the residue of those feelings. I still need to remember to trust. It’s been six weeks since our home study approval. Usually six weeks wouldn’t seem so long. But now, for this, waiting for our baby, it feels like ages. With every ring of our phone we wonder if this is it, the call that will change our family, though we Read More

adoption training

Our first adoption training conference many years ago held little appeal for Big J and me. We chose our agency because of their passion, for their love for birth mothers in particular. Though we would have appreciated a little hand holding during our very long-awaited major life change, we had a support system. We appreciated the agency staff providing support for mothers facing an incredible decision. In spite of that, we found our agency a Read More

special needs

I wrote this in the midst of all the adoption paperwork, confronted with yet another thing in the process that challenged us, forced us to have hard conversations. At our initial home study interview we are told if we are open to special needs, anything ranging from a birth mark to a terminal disease, our wait may be shortened, that we may, in essence, move closer to the top of the list, if such a Read More

just

I wrote this as we inched closer to the end of our pursuit for fertility. So many well-meaning people don’t know what to say. And what is hurtful to one person may be helpful to another. But sometimes the best words are just – I don’t know what to say… While my lunch is heating up in the toaster oven I find myself reflecting on an earlier conversation. Words are tumbling through my head at Read More