counting colors and those beyond infertility

Last fall my mom had a table at an annual craft show to sell her amazing artwork, and since her painting is on the cover of my book I decided to tag along with a few of my books for sale. I didn’t really expect to sell any, and this introvert isn’t good at marketing my own work, but all it cost me was time with my mom and helping her with her customers. A Read More

waiting and a writing life

If you’ve noticed my absence, I’ve been dealing with a rotator cuff injury lately. Partly due to carrying around Baby A before he left us – my aging body can’t handle the strain of a nine-month-old like it used to, but that’s another story. And also probably due to our minivan door’s motor that stopped working properly. Yanking it open and shoving it along the track to put Baby A in his car seat and Read More

life after fostering baby a, part 2

*Continued from life after fostering baby a, part 1. At 8 o’clock on Tuesday morning, Baby A was taken to meet his family, introduced to strangers by strangers. And we were not allowed to be there to comfort him, to ease the transition. We were able, however, that afternoon to go meet his new family and eventually bring him home with us for the night. His caseworker’s supervisor met us in the lobby and told Read More

life after fostering baby a, part 1

*For those of you living this with us, you’ll know it’s actually been a couple weeks since Baby A left. However, I chose to keep the timeline intact as if it’s only been five days. It’s been one week since Baby A first met his family. Five days since we last held him, comforted him, kissed him goodbye. Five days of a black hole of information, not knowing how he is, if he’s sleeping well, Read More

saying goodbye to baby a

When Baby A is placed with his adoptive family next week he will have been with us five days shy of nine months. It feels like a lifetime. And in reality, it has virtually  been his entire lifetime, so far. I can only imagine the grief that is to come after we say our final goodbye. So much so, that I can’t find adequate words, any words, to express where my heart is right now. Read More

still holding on to baby a

Baby A is still with us, beyond the first week of June as I dreamed he would be. But there is finally movement toward placement. His new family knows about him. His agency, their agency, is waiting for ICPC approval before they set a placement date. I can only imagine how his family must feel, knowing he’s so close, growing, meeting milestones, while they wait on paperwork and forms. If I was in their shoes, Read More

baby a

We’re now well into April and our foster baby, Baby A, is still with us. At some point along the way he began to feel like my baby, my child. And yet I know I will have to let him go. The heartache I will experience, the loss Big J, Little J, and Little E will feel, brings to mind his birth mother. His birth father if he knows of Baby A’s existence. What must Read More

a rock running a marathon

“What’s that,” you ask? “How can a rock run?” Well, okay, I don’t mean it literally. You see, I am the rock. Or at least I’m supposed to be a rock, according to a parenting book I read not too long ago (okay, apparently it was back in June of last year, but it feels like not long ago). It talked about how our job as parents is to be grounded, stable, to be that Read More

baby brain and the holidays

We’ve had a foster baby with us for a couple of months now. He’s super cute, has a full head of black, curly hair, and has eyes so big you can see him soaking in the world around him. He joined us when he was just a week old so I’ve had interrupted sleep and feel like I’m just coming out of a baby fog. We’ve been living in this dichotomy of falling absolutely in Read More

baby b

A few months ago we had a foster baby after a long baby-drought. For the first time, we brought home a little girl. Little E was over the moon, having lamented never having a baby girl to foster. We were told we would care for this tiny four-month old for about a week, allowing the seven days in which the birth mother has to change her mind to expire. We didn’t know the specifics of Read More