I haven’t slept well for over a week. Big J’s job taking a toll on his time, suddenly, he has decided to wake early to exercise before heading to work.
Don’t get me wrong. I want him to be healthy. To take time to do the things he needs and wants to do. But waking to an alarm makes me angry. I only set an alarm if we’re leaving on a trip or have an important early appointment. My body clock is set to wake at a fairly regular time and that’s been working for me for years.
Big J, though, has never been an early riser. Okay, so there’s a time in college before we met he claims to have been. But never since I’ve known him. He’s a night owl. Waking fully late in the evening and coming to bed well after I can keep my eyes open. He depends on an alarm. Or the kids. Or me. Though I long ago refused to be his personal alarm clock. And me waking on my own, sans alarm, has worked fine. Because I’m always awake before him.
I like to wake peacefully. In the quiet. Most days I’m up and dressed and planning school before Big J has stirred. Before the kids are allowed out of their rooms. Those moments of quiet, the house practically to myself, are my morning cup of coffee. It’s the time I take to start my day in prayer. In the quiet. To go through mundane tasks like getting snacks ready, making lists of what’s in store for the day ahead. By myself. It’s time to clear my head and gear up for another day. In the quiet. Did I say that already?
So now, Big J, without warning, decided to impact my peaceful mornings. His alarm goes off slightly earlier than my normal wake time. And I wake. Angry. Because alarms are noisy, a mental hurricane. Because he often sleeps through his and doesn’t turn it off immediately. Doesn’t get out of bed right away.
And then he wants to talk. Say good morning. Crazy, right?
But I don’t want him to say good morning, to greet me with a kiss. (Did I really just admit that?) I don’t want him inserting himself into what used to be a calm morning, easing into the day with small sips, claiming a few quiet seconds before the chaos.
Because I’m home with the kids all day. No watching tv. Engaged all day. Well, we do still have “nap” time. But I need my sanity. Did I mention I’m an introvert?
So if my mornings begin with noise, (the sound of instructors blaring on a workout video, perhaps) I won’t have a moment to myself until well in the afternoon. I don’t need caffeine. I don’t need alcohol. I may need chocolate. But I definitely need a few minutes of quiet each morning. What kind of person does that make me?