still holding on to baby a

Baby A is still with us, beyond the first week of June as I dreamed he would be. But there is finally movement toward placement. His new family knows about him. His agency, their agency, is waiting for ICPC approval before they set a placement date.

I can only imagine how his family must feel, knowing he’s so close, growing, meeting milestones, while they wait on paperwork and forms. If I was in their shoes, I’d be beating down the doors of my agency, pleading for any snip of information, for any way to meet him now. Maybe I’m not a very patient person, but who is patient when waiting for the arrival of their baby?

I find myself in this flux, empathizing with his soon-to-be parents, knowing the ache and longing to meet my child. And I don’t want them to miss any more firsts. I want their arms and their hearts to be full.

And yet I’m not ready to let go. This baby has become a part of our family, has been so for more than 7 months. We’ve soothed his tears, heard his first laugh, felt his first teeth sink into our skin. He knows us, our routines. And as hard as it will be for me to let him go, it will be harder for him.

How will he know we haven’t abandoned him? How long will it take for him to feel safe in his mother’s arms?

I want him to transition well. We were told that because he’s developed healthy bonds with us that he will be able to more easily do so in the future. I hope so. Selfishly, though, I hope he feels our absence. Temporarily.

But our job isn’t to be missed. It is to love. And let go.

No matter how hard it is.

grace for each moment, one moment at a time

2 thoughts on “still holding on to baby a

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.