When Baby A is placed with his adoptive family next week he will have been with us five days shy of nine months. It feels like a lifetime. And in reality, it has virtually been his entire lifetime, so far. I can only imagine the grief that is to come after we say our final goodbye. So much so, that I can’t find adequate words, any words, to express where my heart is right now.
My words may not always be eloquent, but I’m rarely at a loss for words when it comes to how I’m feeling. Just ask Big J. But this. This is something different. And if I don’t know how to sort through it all in my head, in my heart, how I can corral it into something cohesive, something that makes sense.
For the moment, I’m trying to compartmentalize. Focus on what needs to be done to make Baby A’s transition as easy as possible. Though nothing about it will be easy. For him. For us. Possibly not even for his new family.
I’ve printed photos, written pages about his milestones, what he likes and doesn’t, his routine, what brings him comfort – our family. But he can’t take us with him. And though it’s as much as I can do, it will never be enough.
Then, next Thursday, we will snuggle him for the last time, kiss him goodbye, knowing he won’t understand no matter how much we explain to him about his new adventure. I tell him it’s okay to be excited, to be scared, to love them and feel safe with them immediately. And it’s true. But I don’t know them. I can’t be sure, except for the fact that I’ve been an adoptive parent. I know the process. The vetting. That you have to really want it to go through the process.
And more than that, I trust in God’s sovereignty. He knows Baby A and loves him and chose this family for him before the world began. And while that doesn’t take away the loss I will feel over Baby A’s absence, it allows me to rest, to have a measure of peace, that just as God cares for Little J and Little E and chose us to be their parents, He has chosen this particular family to be Baby A’s family forever.
And right now it’s all I can do to take comfort in that.
grace for each moment, one moment at a time